You don't remember me,
But I remember you.
T'was not so long ago,
You broke my heart in two.

Nothing in the world can express how choked up and upset I feel now.
Today totally sucked. I wanted it to be a Saturday that I enjoyed, but it totally sucked );

Before I start a completely sad post, I wanna wish a
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ALOYSIUS KIONG (L)
He's a gem that's always been there for me :)

Choir was a bore.
Catechism class sucked. Seb wasn't around, so it was boring Sam.
Daryl was in a really bad mood cos of some miscommunication about lunch plans,
I was in no freaking mood to talk. I just wanted to get away from everything.

After cat class, went downstairs to do CLVC Fundraising.
Got money from Edward and Shane. Thanks guys.
Sam partnered me and we walked around church asking for donations.
We were selling pineapple tarts, cheese scones, blueberry, chocolate and raspberry muffins.
Stayed there with the peeps. Saw a hilarious photo on the RCCL board and I went into fits of laughter with Fel. No one could actually recognise who that person was. Even Fel couldn't recognise it for at least 30 seconds.

Went to St Cecilia's for practice. Jessa wasn't around.
David was being annoying again. I didn't wanna talk at all, but David kept disturbing me.

Went upstairs for mass. Preparations and all, done for Father Val.
Cheryl came up, and I received news that broke my heart into a million pieces, shattered.
I couldn't take it anymore, so during homily I struggled to get out of the loft and went to the area outside the auditorium and cried and cried. When I returned to the loft, homily was over.
Communion was even more upsetting. I didn't know how to react.

Went downstairs after mass to continue with fundraising, but I wasn't in the brightest of moods.
I broke down, couldn't take it when Steph came over and hugged me. I felt so terrible, so crushed.
It was two times the blow, two times the bullet to the heart. I couldn't think of doing anything else but cry.
When Fel talked to me, I could see how angry she was that I was making such a big deal out of a small thing, but what can I say? I couldn't help it. Such an important part of my life, gone. In fact, it was 2 important parts of my life.
I couldn't continue with fundraising. I stood behind the staircase and talked to John and Sam.
I felt so torn apart. Lost. Confused. I didn't know what to do.
I just kept crying and crying and my mum eventually came over and scolded me for making a scene in church )':

Nothing's gonna change, if it does, elephants will fly.
2 years is too long. I can't live without someone so important to me for 2 whole years.
104 weeks of mass in the loft without one of my bestest friends, someone whom I could always confide in, someone who always sided me no matter what happened, someone who meant so much to me )':
I didn't want anyone to see me cry but I failed. A whole bunch of 'em saw me and came over and asked me what was happening.

I just felt a need to talk to Fransiscus so I called Sam to call him over.
I couldn't even talk properly when I was trying to explain to him what had shot me so hard.
When I saw Fel's mum looking at me, I didn't know where to hide myself, I didn't want to face her.
Nothing could express the amount of hurt and huge loss that I experienced today. And nothing's ever gonna bring one of them back, even though the other's gone for 730 days. It was too long.
I didn't even feel like going over to Father Val to bid him farewell or cut the cake.
I just to bawl and cry and let it all out. But nothing's gonna get out of my head, I know that.

My mum was still pretty mad at me. She kept asking me to leave church.
I walked out of church with eyes swollen and heart as heavy as ever. The hurt I felt ); The loss I had.
I couldn't even eat my dinner. I threw it all up. Couldn't even drink.
When that person's message came, I didn't know if I should've been elated or devastated, that he only cared for me at the weakest points of my life, and other than that, I was an invinsible no one.
I felt like such a huge chapter of my life had just been ripped from history. Gone. No more. Finished.

I just want to get away.
I don't want the world to see me like this.
No one understands.
No one knows exactly how upset and miserable I feel.
I don't want to explain everything all over again.
Just take it as if I've lost 2 of the most important people in my life, one's leaving me for such a long time, and the other one's never coming back. Both at one go, are gone.

I want everything to go back just the way it was, perfect.
But nothing's gonna bring those times back. I wish I could, more than anything,
The feeling of regret, loss, being miserable, all at the same time is totally killing me inside.
Sometimes I feel like Fransiscus, I just want a car to come and bang me to my death.
Either that, I'd just want to die. I want to escape from all this.
I can't sit here and watch everything go by, and I'm unable to do anything about it.

Everyone, come hate me if you wish.
I don't know what to do now. It's a choice I have to make,
Its a choice that I don't want to make at all.
I wouldn't even like to be thinking about all this, but it keeps coming back to my mind.
Its like stuck on autoplay, and can't be stopped.
It's rewinding and repeating in my mind like there's no tomorrow.

All the prayer in the world won't help me in this case.
I mean, I totally totally believe and trust in God.
But in this situation, it seems like nothing's gonna bring it all back.

The happiness of the other means all the misery in the world to me.
I want you to be happy, but on the other hand, I have to suffer so much.
I don't know which is better.
I just want to disappear from the face of the Earth. I wish I was never born here.
I want it all to go away.
I love you so much. So much more than you might ever think.

xxx
Marissa );

Special thanks to John, Sam, Fransiscus, Joshua, Gabriel, Dwayne, and everyone else who's been there for me.
I love you guys.